Fools' Ebony, Part the Sixth                                    Frincheps                                                       naughty                                                                                            )	&       Y	                #  &  )  ',  	/  0  w3  26  9  ;  >  ^B  D  G  'K  M  P  S  :W  Y  \  .`  b  d  d  d  d      Fools' Ebony,  Part the  Sixth         Dramatis Personae   Prologue The Adventurer, A Dark Elf Rascal Komon, A Priest of Akatosh Lheban, Another Priest of Akatosh Epilogue Stete, A Priest of Julianos Raic, Another Priest of Julianos Shub, A Mage Shub, A Different Mage of the Same Name Nephron, A Somewhat Sleazy Merchant 5 Armorers Ortho Crunn, Husband of Millie A Lusty Contessa Millie, Innkeep and Philosopher Gurnsey, Bovine Wench Assorted Wenches and Cads of the Taverns Soldiers Dwarves Giants     Daggerfall and Environs in the Doldrums of the 3rd Era   Scene 1: In The Adventurer's suite at the Dead Daedra Inn.   Enter Prologue, the Adventurer, and Ortho. Ortho climbs into bed.         Prologue: Thank you for allowing us the time to change the meager set, while our bard sang that old favorite, "Hail and Farewell." Now then, imagine, if you will, the luxuriant and langorous suite of that Dark Elven rogue, the Adventurer, at the Dead Daedra Inn. The time is shortly after the last scene, which if you've forgotten, ended with our hero and his partner-in-crime, Nephron, making some arrangements to swindle from the mages, priests, and armorers. All are interested in getting their hands on a lode of Fools' Ebony, a miraculous burning mineral, and the priests and mages each consider the Adventurer their ally. The Armorers know better and have assigned one of their apprentices, Ortho, to watch the Adventurer's movements. Now, as Ortho slumbers, the Adventurer has his first moment of peace in days. I should mention that in the interest of common decency, this scene has been abbreviated from the original by order of the Guild of Playwrites, Actors, and Dramatists. It now contains little material of relevance. A full copy may be obtained from the playwrite after the show for a mere 50 g.p. copying fee. Now is the time for poor Prologue to shuffle away.   (Exit Prologue) (The Adventurer begins to get undressed) (Tap-tap at the door. Adventurer jumps, startled) (Snore from Ortho)         Adventurer: Who's there? I'm coming!   (Opens door - carefully) (Enter Contessa)         Adventurer: Er, well ... er ... Come In! Please.   (The Adventuer steps back, tripping over his trousers around his ankles ...)         Contessa So sorry to surprise you, but I thought that we might find something in common ... Oh! You poor man, you have a wound!  Here, let me fix that bandage ... it looks very fresh.   (Fixing bandage, properly this time)         Adventurer: Well, I ... just opened it up again. Evening exercises, calisthenics, so on...         Contessa: How did you get this cut - if you do not mind me asking?                Adventurer: No, not at all. I was ... in a fight, earlier. These three crazy people jumped me.         Contessa: Really?  This cloth looks like part of a Mage's robe.         Adventurer: Well, yes, two of them were Mages.         Contessa: Oh My! You must have been very good, to defeat them.         Adventurer: Oh, ah, well, I've been in one or two fights. Not to be rude, but who are you?         Contessa: Oh, I am so sorry, I quite forgot the proper introductions. I am the Contessa Aveet Videspreed -- call me Ave.  From the Court at Daggerfall.         Adventurer       (aside) By Oblivion, what now?         Contessa: Here, help me off with this robe, these inn rooms are always ... so hot. And let me check that bandage again, poor man. Ooh, you are wearing an ebony belt of stamina, and bracers of strength. Ooh, a bracelet of endurance. This is my lucky night.         Adventurer       (aside) Help.         Contessa: Here, let me help you off with that old shirt - got to check you for any more cuts - they can go bad so easily, you know.         Adventurer       (aside) Well, its not the Armorers this time. Maybe my luck has turned.         Contessa: Well, everything seems all right...very all right, in fact...         Adventurer: Er...well, Ave - tell me about ... er ... yourself.           Contessa: If you want - just for a bit -          Adventurer: Here, have some wine ...   Enter Prologue         Prologue: Here our worthy playwrite's speech has been heavily edited by the Guild of Playwrites, Actors, and Dramatists. I will endeavor to fill in those removed passages. I should first mention that the Contessa is not meant to be a relative of any noble currently in Castle Daggerfall. The Contessa Aveet regales the Adventurer with tales of the peculiar and hearty members of her royal family. She has many brothers and sisters. They are all very -- close.         Contessa: I think I must have been a bastard. I was the only one with red hair, and an affinity for magicka. Everyone else tried to hide this skill of mine. I remember one spanking very well ...         Prologue: The Contessa relates futher differences between her siblings.         Contessa: While my sisters were learning to curtsey in ten different modes, and my brothers were learning flower-arranging, I used to sneak off into the woods or town. I soon learnt how to get what I wanted, from just about anyone. Just for example, there was this merchant who had three sons ...         Prologue: The Contessa goes into detail about her training.         Contessa: I became quite good at the school of illusion. You never noticed me, downstairs, did you?. I also learned how to use some weapons. Let me tell you how I learned hand-to-hand ...         Prologue: The Contessa relates an amusing anecdote, and then continues.         Contessa: And on bad days, I used to dig in my father's library. He had a marvelous collection of old texts. I was fascinated by Old Dwarvish, managed to learn it quite well, I think. Of course, no one has seen or spoken to one in years and years. So its probably perfectly useless knowledge. But I've always had an interest in collecting new knowledge. At the Mages Guild, they taught me an old High Elven tradition. You spread this potion all over your body ...         Prologue: The Contessa relates her current state of boredom.         Contessa: The life up at the Palace bores me so. My sisters ...         Prologue: The Contessa's sisters are entertaining some visitors.         Contessa: And my brothers are now studying Advanced Floral Theory, so I come down here, do a little ... er ... business. I keep all my relations supplied with their favourite vices -- so I can blackmail the whole rotten lot.         Adventurer: But is'nt it dangerous, down here? Did I not hear that some young Contessa got killed, recently?         Contessa: That little twit was my cousin, and as far as I'm concerned, she got what she deserved. She thought  she could just borrow a maids dress, muss up her hair, and pass for s commoner. She was spotted the first minute she left the Palace gates. Now, I use illusion, craft, guile -- and I carry weaponry. By the way, that was a neat scheme you and Neph cooked up.         Adventurer: Well, lets change the subject, can we? ... Just what do you carry? I can't see anything ... like a weapon, I mean ...         Contessa: Here, let me show you ...         Adventurer: Oh my, those are nice ... knives...         Contessa: And there're more ...             Adventurer: Oh yes ...         Contessa: But we don't need these silly nasty weapons now, do we?         Adventurer: My, my -- now those are what I call weapons ... Oh yes ... heavy duty, high class ones too, my ...         Contessa: I think its time that we put that ebony to the test ... to say nothing of your Mages Staff ...         Prologue: At this point, extensive material has been removed. However, please remember that any scholar who truly wishes to peruse this material can obtain a copy for only 50 g.p. - hand-drawn illustrations are of course extra. The Contessa, after a bit of fun, volunteers to be a part of the Adventurer's party to find the fools' ebony lode. I know, I know. It didn't make much sense in the original draft either, if you want to know the truth.   (Exit Prologue)         Adventurer: Sure you want to go out there in the wilds?         Contessa: Oh, yes. I am so bored here. Well, not right here and now, but generally. And I can really be of assistance. I'm pretty good with woods survival, knife work, hand-to-hand ... and it gets cold out there at night, even for big ebony-wearing men like you ...         Adventurer: All right, then. Do you know where and why we are going?         Contessa: Oh, of course. It's all over Daggerfall. Everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens. There is even a lottery or two running ...         Adventurer: On what ..?         Contessa: Oh, your life.         Adventurer: Oh dear Oh dear! Oh my!         Contessa: Look, don't worry -- I know all about the double-dealings with mages, priests, merchants, those crude armorers. And I intend that we come out on top. I love being on top. With the goods and the profits. I'll have yet another vice to sell to my stupid relatives in their boring palaces.         Adventurer: But won't it be us two against hordes?         Contessa: Oh no. Most everyone is waiting here in town to see what and who comes back. And I will have a surprise arranged for our 'escorts' - Ortho included. Out in the wilderness, they can be dealt with easily.   (Ortho snores)         Adventurer: Tell me more.         Contessa: Certainly. But first ... lets see how many uses you have left in that ebony. Mmm, your Mages' Staff is in good shape ...   (Enter Prologue)         Prologue: Exactly. Sorry to interrupt again, but we're going to have to stop this scene right here. After a frenzied night comes the placid dawn, tripping onto the sky like a budding rose. And then another day doth dawn, and then another. Ten dawns and ten frenzied nights pass as our wily Adventurer, the wanton Contessa, the clever and naughty Nephron, the loutish Ortho, and an assemblage of randy armorers and backsliding maidens take to the road. Imagine now that we are in the wildy wilderness of High Rock near the Wrothgarian Mountains.   Scene 2   (Enter Nephron and assorted lads and lasses) (Exit Prologue)         Contessa: I do so love a bucolic frolic.         Adventurer: It's getting pretty wild now. I guess the dangerous part is coming up tomorrow...?         Contessa: Yes, one last stop tonight, at that old inn up here -- Minnie's Inn.         Adventurer: Minnie's Inn? Oh, those two old scholars who gave it all up, came to run the inn out here. they must get all of two customers a year.         Contessa: I think they like the solitude. It gives them time to study. They know a lot about old Dwarvish stuff -- get them started on that, they will wear you ears out.         Adventurer: Er ... when does your surprise happen? I should probably know.         Contessa: Don't fret, dear. At the Inn tonight. Just sit back and enjoy the show.   (Enter Prologue)   Prologue: Time passes, the carts roll, things happen in the backs of the carts. And there are strange furtive movements unnoticed by all, on the high ridges around. When next we see our players, they are at Minnie's Inn, home of Minnie and Crunn, the philosopher- innkeeps. Imagine, if you will, the rather dusty dining room of Minnie's Inn.   (Enter Minnie, Crunn, and Gurnsey) (Exit Prologue) (Gurnsey goes to Orthos' table with more ale for him. She sits down suddenly. She stares into Orthos'  eyes, Ortho stares into hers. Mouths drop open.)         Minnie: ... er ... Crunn ...         Crunn: ... yes ... Minnie ...         Minnie: ... I was thinking ...         Crunn: ... yes, you were thinking, Minnie ...         Minnie: ... er .... thinking ...         Crunn: ... yes ...so was I ....         Minnie: ... can't remember now ...         Crunn: ... yes, Minnie ... Minnie ...         Minnie: ... Yes ..?         Crunn: ... Shut up ...         Gurnsey and Ortho       (Together): Moo ... oooh ... moo.         Adventurer: Moo?         Contessa: See, Adventurer, Ortho's fixed.         Adventurer: Is he?         Contessa: You just watch.         Adventurer: And what about the other armorers?         Contessa: Any minute now.   (Ortho and serving girl arise, approach Adventurers' table. The floor shakes.)         Ortho: This Gurnsey. Ortho love Gurnsey, oooh.         Gurnsey: Gurnsey love Ortho ... moo ...         Ortho: We go get marry, we is.         Adventurer: Well, congratulations! And that was a fine long speech, Ortho!         Ortho: We go raise piggies.         Gurnsey: Grows animals too, farmers be we.   (Exit Ortho and Gurnsey)         Adventurer: Extraordinary. Ave, I think that you must have been up here before.         Contessa: Oh yes. I often come up here to get away from the Palace and talk dwarves with Minnie and Crunn.          Adventurer: You mean that these two ancient ... er, Scholar-I nnKeeps can actually talk and about dwarves?   (All but Adventurer, Contessa, Minnie, and Crunn fall asleep in their meat pies.)         Contessa: Oh yes, you must just be very patient. But look over at our other escorts ...         Adventurer: By the Lady!         Contessa: Minnie was an Alchemist before she met Crunn, and knows a lot of old forgotten Dwarvish potions.         Adventurer: But what do we do with the bodies?                 Contessa: Wait ...   (Enter Major)         Contessa: Adventurer, meet Major Bloodnok, head of my own ...private little bodyguard. He's been with me since I was a mere girl. Served me very well, haven't you, Major?         Major: We give our all, milady.         Adventurer: Pleased to meet you, Major.         Contessa: How are my other men?         Adventurer:       (aside) Other men?   (Enter Other Men in Khajiit suits)         Major: All present and accounted for, milady. Had a spot of bother with what looked like a party of Merchants following you. But they are out of the picture now, down a ravine. Only one thing.         Contessa: Yes?         Major: Me and my men, we've been noticing sort of furtive movements, up on cliffs, on ridges -- always just out of the corners of our eyes. And we keep getting this feeling of being watched. Now, me and my men, we're the best but there's something out there. Don't like it, not one bit.         Contessa: Oh Dear - and just when it was getting to be fun.         Major: Its not anything human. Not Mages, Armorers, Priests. And its not the usual werewolves, harpies, orcs, daedra. Nothing like that, not at all.         Minnie: Dwarves!         Crunn: Where? ... oh ... Minnie ... you mean ... up ... there ... here ...         Minnie: ... Dwarves, up there ...         Crunn: ... How exciting ... mmmm ...         Minnie: ... There, there, Crunn, calm down ... just dwarves ... I knew that one day they would ...         Crunn: ... Wake up ..?         Minnie: ... Come back ...         Crunn: ... But ... I didn't go anywhere ...         Minnie: ... The dwarves, Crunn ...         Crunn: ... Oooh ... Back ... So excited ... Dwarves! ... oooh ...         Contessa: Well Major, is it possible?         Major: Anything's possible, especially up here. Dwarves? I don't know. Me and my men, we'll get rid of this lot. There's a good deep mine shaft out back.   (Exit All, but the Adventurer and Contessa)         Adventurer: Dwarves, Ave! Is that trouble? I mean, they sort of own all the ebony down here, don't they?         Contessa: Maybe. I guess we just have to push on, see what develops. I can try to talk to them, maybe? Oh, and Adventurer, you'll have to drive the first cart. I'll take old Nephron's. We'll leave the other here -- Spares for later.         Adventurer: What, no more bucolic frolics?         Contessa: Sorry, but we've got to get to the site and out again before the weather goes bad.         Adventurer: Can't your Major and his men, handle the carts?         Contessa: Oh, no. They will cover us from all sides and make certain there are no surprises.         Adventurer: Oh well. All good things end, I guess.         Contessa: Not quite. If you have any charges left in your bracelets of endurance, we can go upstairs and see what develops.   (Enter Prologue)         Prologue: Well, I guess we all saw that coming. Scene 3 takes place some time later at the site. Flanked by the Major's men, the Adventurer and the Wanton Contessa successfully follow the map of the dear, departed mages. Imagine great veins of glistening ebonyesque material piercing the surface of the ground, and a nice warm fire of Fools Ebony where the Adventurer and the Contessa sprawl. To the west are signs that the weather is turning and the first major snowstorm of the year is coming. For some time, they have been mining and the Adventurer is beginning to feel the strain of actual labor.   (Exit Prologue)   Scene 3         Adventurer: I've got blisters on my hands from shovelling that black rot, blisters on my rear from that cart bench, and we are running out of ale. My bracelet is running down and my fingers are getting frostbite.         Contessa: What, your bracelet is running down? Oh, now that is serious.   (Enter Major, running)         Major: Dwarves! Milady, dwarves, dozens of the little buggers caught my men! I'm sorry, milady.   (The Contessa jumps to her feet)         Contessa: Major, get out of here now. If you get away, you can maybe help us later. I'll try to talk to them.   (Exit Major) (Enter Dwarves)         Contessa: Hhjgys jjvvu klpss Jjqqx zzyzx.         Dwarves       (Together): Jjpoo Kalagloo gashnoo bibloo franoo Xxnadoo         Contessa Jnik? Balpo?         Dwarves       (Together) Gabloo! Wazzikoo! Eppapupu!         Contessa Glooky, glooky, glooky.         Adventurer: Ave, whats going on?         Contessa: Relax. I think I've impressed them by talking their language. I don't understand everything, but it seems that they have only just 'woken up' or something. And that they will not let us take any of this Fool's Ebony -- it's somehow related to the real stuff or something. And it really belongs to the Lords of Oblivion -- the Dwarves are just care or something.         Adventurer: Very interesting. Now, what about us?         Contessa: I made a deal with them the only way I could see. I told them about Minnie and Crunn, how those two old ones know lots of dwarven tales and legends. The dwarves tells me that, having just 'woken up' or something, they want three things -- ale, women, and us to leave the Fools' Ebony alone.         Adventurer: Ah, flog my log.         Contessa: Well,I told them about all the ale down at Minnie's Inn. And about the 2 redheads there. They are going there, leaving right now. We may take one empty cart, 2 horses. And they will keep us guarded all the way there. They also said that they will -- I don't know how -- destroy all the Fool's Ebony here. It shouldn't be on the surface like this, they say.       (aside) Dwarvish is a remarkably compact language.         Adventurer: By the great roaring buttocks of Sheogorath! All these blisters and backache for nothing! Ah well. At least we are still alive. For now ...   (Exeunt) (Enter Prologue)   Prologue: Farnoo Lickety Kanoo Gadfloo. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. As Scene 4 begins, we are back at Minnie's Inn, where the dwarves appear to be on holiday.   (Enter the Adventurer, the Wanton Contessa, Minnie, Crunn, and Dwarves)   (Exit Prologue)   Scene 4         Minnie: ... ga ... sszx ... spnoo? ...         Crunn: ... glurky ...         Dwarves       (Together): Jotcha potchka lazzo lanni joopy hoopy qui me amat, amat et canem meam         Adventurer: Ave, any ideas? I can't seem to work my magical items. And when the ale runs out ...         Contessa: Your ebony material is useless against them. Dwarves fashion the ebony, so I guess they can suppress it or something. Don't worry - just think, these dwarves have been asleep or something for hundreds of years. And Minnie has a huge stock of ale. Not many customers  come this way, and she knows how to salt the ale just right to keep from spoiling for decades.   Adventurer Oh, that's why my tongue always looks like a chunk of leather after a pint or two.         Contessa Dwarves apparently love ale. I expect them all to pass out in an hour or so.    (Dwarves fall into comas)         Contessa: If not sooner. Come on, Adventurer. Grab a sack and start collecting! When the dwarves wake up, they'll finish the ale, and then us.    (The Wanton Contessa and Adventurer pillage the dwarves)         Adventurer: South, as fast as our horses will take us in this weather.         Contessa: If we make enough distance before they wake up, we'll be all right - I don't think that they will leave their precious mountains. I hope not.   (Enter Prologue)         Prologue: The wailing wintery wind whirls wickedly, wafts whipping, wading waist-high, oh never mind. The Adventurer and the Contessa get lost in the snow storm. Several days later, we find them desperate for warmth and exhausted.   (Exit Prologue)         Adventurer: The horses have had it. They can't go another step and its going to snow again. No ale left, and just one loaf.           Contessa: It will have to do.   (Suddenly, a party of giants leaps on our hero and heroine. But after some quick work with Bracers of Firestorm, really dead giants lie around in heaps)         Adventurer: Anything left, Ave?         Contessa: No, no more fire anything - just my daggers         Adventurer: Same here, just a common shortsword. Curse Sheogorath for those dwarves!  Those oafs chewed up our horses! Do you think the Major made it out?                Contessa: If anyone can, it's him.  Guess we'll find out in town. Interesting thought just occured to me. Don't giants hunt in several groups? Is that more I hear?   (sound of grumbling and gargling offstage)         Adventurer: Yes, there are more giants out there. Quick, Ave. Help me with this one.   (The Adventurer starts to disembowel a giant's body)         Contessa: What on Tamriel are you doing? This is not the time for studying anatomy!         Adventurer: Don't argue, climb inside!         Contessa: Poppydash and Baldercock! Inside that smelly dead giant? My dear Adventurer, I'm a Lady.         Adventurer: It's our only hope! The giant smell will hide our scent, and live giants never touch dead ones. Quick!   (The Adventurer and the Contessa climb inside the steaming giant's body)         Adventurer: Here, help me pull the skin shut - and try not to throw up. Don't make a sound.   (Enter Prologue)         Prologue: A few hour pass.   (Exit Prologue) (The Adventurer and the Wanton Contessa poke their heads out of the giant's belly.)          Adventurer: They've all left, but it's snowing hard. Definitely getting real cold. We better stay here.         Contessa: It indeed is warm.         Adventurer: It will keep us warm, safe from the storm and giants, for a day or soif we can stand the smell. Here, want some bread?   (The Contessa falls victim to nausea)   (Enter Prologue)         Prologue: For this, the last scene of the play, please forgive us, but we need to change the set. Remove the "giant corpses" and whatnot. Please be patient while our bard performs the timeless classic "Whither Goest Thou?"   (Bard plays "Whither Goest Thou?" If the scenarists take too long, he also plays "For Further Consideration.")   Prologue: Ah, here we are, back at the Dead Daedra Inn. The Contessa and the Adventurer made it, after all. They had to pay three times the normal rate, for they were very dirty and stinky. Now poor Prologue will bid you farewell, goodly people.   Scene 6         Contessa: Thank the Gods for hot water and soap! I thought I would smell like a giant forever.         Adventurer: Me too. Where did you go while I was bathing? And why no mages, priests, armorers, or merchants outside yelling for our blood?         Contessa: I took a quick trip to the Palace. I've fixed it so some cousins have told the armorers and merchants that we don't have cartloads of the Fools' Ebony.         Adventurer: Pity that that's actually true.         Contessa: But at least no one's interested in us anymore. Seems that some priests turned up dead in an old  temple, up on Edward's Mountain. They were found with some girl, all dead from 'bad green powder' or something. And some old mages named Shub have gone missing ...         Adventurer: Now then, what did you stuff in those sacks thats so important?         Contessa: Here, dump them out, take a look.         Adventurer: By the Gods, just look at that!         Contessa: Yes, those dwarves were just loaded with ebony. Look. Rings, torcs, bracers, belts, helms All solid old ebony.         Adventurer: And this stuff feels just loaded with magicka. Why, I bet that this ring alone has a thousand uses ... whatever it does.         Contessa: Ooh! Look! Bracers of Extreme Endurance and a Belt of Strength! Put them on, Adventurer, let's celebrate!         Adventurer       (aside) Help!   Enter Epilogue         Epilogue: As I feared, all the loose threads of the play were ended by wholesale slaughter. More of the adventures of the Adventurer will follow, unless, of course, they don't. We thank you for your tempered patience. Don't forget to tip your worthy wenches on your way out this evening, and enjoy our bard's rendition of the Khajiiti classic, "It's A Matter of Luck." Goodnight.   (Flourish)   (Exeunt Omnes)                                                                                             